Forsythia is blooming, daffodils are up. I'm so glad  it's spring!

I think I said this before, but I am REALLY digging having weekends off again. I have been painting and gardening and going for rides with my honey.

I did list a few of those paintings from my last post on etsy---using scans, but I haven't photographed them yet and I really need to. It freaks me out. I guess it's like... painting is my true love and if I really give it all I have and it doesn't work...

Well, I guess that means I need to rethink what I want out of it and what 'success' means. Huh, success. That is such a loaded word. I need talk about  the reality of designing, or at least my reality, my experience of it.

People might look at me and think I'm 'successful' or have 'made it' because I have a book, design fabric, have been in magazines and on tv... all of that does kind of blow my mind and I do absolutely give myself credit for it, but it doesn't necessarily make a living, you know? Actually, you might not know.

I guess that's where it gets tricky. Of course I don't think 'success' has to be monetary, but it is caught up with it for sure. I think I need to redefine what I think of as 'success' for myself.

See, it's weird for me because I didn't grow up thinking that success was even an option for me. I struggled so much just to make it through the day in high school. I really can't believe I even graduated( and I STILL have stress dreams that I didn't) --- and I only did because of having the art department as a safe haven.  There was never any talk of college in my house. I was terrified of life. I didn't want to live because I knew, I knew how hard life was going to be for me for a long time--- and I was right. It was really effing hard--- depression, anxiety, just living in my head was torture, paralyzing and devoid of hope. When I look back on it, I am really surprised that I stuck it out. Glad I did.

When I was in high school, all I really thought I would do in life, if I made it after high school, was have some soul-sucking minimum wage job and do my artwork on the side to make myself happy. That's all I ever thought I COULD do. I had confidence in my work, I've always loved to paint and create, and I wasn't shy about sharing it, it's just that I never felt ambition....confidence....hope.

And from 19-26 years old, I did just have random jobs with low pay. Over time, I learned to breathe my way through my anxiety--- not to get rid of it, but to be present with each excruciating moment, to just breathe in and out and rinse and repeat until I could finally just go to sleep and have some relief from the constant fight-or-flight adrenaline and the underlying despair and sadness that I always had.

When Stuart and I got together, so many of my wounds began to heal and I started to grow in confidence. He is a smart guy and he believed in me. So I just tried to trust him and slowly started to believe more in myself. Have you seen the dedication to him in my book? It says something like " For Stuart, for believing in me until I believed im myself." That's what that is about. He changed my life.

I finally started to feel more confident and believe I could do more than just exist and make it through the day. I taught myself Adobe Illustrator for a new position at the embroidery shop where I was a machine operator. I had a skill for the first time! I made a little bit better wage! I was A DESIGNER!

After about a year of designing logos and screenprints, I realized... hey! I can do MY OWN WORK with this new skill! I started researching licensing and for the first time in my life I felt AMBITION. I felt like, "I can totally do that!" And I set out to do it. I felt like my day job was the enemy keeping me from my dream. I somehow managed to convince Stuart that I should quit my job and pursue licensing. This was 2004, I think.

Bad idea.

I always thought that I didn't like structure. I never had any growing up and thought I never wanted any. Wrongo. I was not built for freelance. I was lonely, didn't know how to keep myself on task, not to mention that cold calling manufacturers and being rejected constantly is really hard! I floundered. I had some interest from some companies and a couple of minor successes, but nothing that could even pay half of a bill. Literally. Our household was suffering without me making any money and eventually I (grudgingly!) started working part time again at this random job, then full time at that random job.

I did keep working on designs, and would get motivated from time to time and pursue some companies. I would get rejected, get depressed and give up for a few more months.

In 2007, I got the fabric gig and in 2008 we opened Yummy Goods. (And that is its own whole story! ) As you know, we closed Yummy Goods this winter and now I am back to my old position as the artist at the embroidery shop.

At this point I no longer look at the day job as the enemy. Instead of thinking of it as the thing that KEEPS me from doing the things I love, I think of it as the thing that ALLOWS me to do the things I love.

Here is some truth, for me at least: Sometimes when you try to turn your passion into your work? Sometimes it stops being your passion. So much pressure gets put on it to make money that what used to bring joy becomes a stressful thing. Read that again. Yes, there are exceptions. But I don't think enough of us talk about our own reality to temper the addictive and magical dream of 'making a living doing what we love'.

The internet and all the crafty blogs have perpetuated a really sparkly inspiring narrative about following your bliss. Which is lovely. I needed that pure naive faith to start all of this. In reality, in my experience, it mostly does not pay. For some, of course, it does. The superstars, the celebrities, the ones who were there first, the odd standout. Of course. And that may be you someday and that may be me someday. Of course, have hope. But maybe also see if you can squint a little and see behind the curtain and see that it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's not all sparkly and pretty and success and shoes from "Anthro."

I'm not here to be a dreamcrusher! Do the work that you love, absolutely! But  If I could go back to my 2004 self, I would say, "Sweetie, you have a pretty good gig here. You are good at what you do. You are actually making a respectable living doing design work. Go for your dreams, of course, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP YOUR DAY JOB!"

Of course, I wouldn't have taken my own advice. I was stubborn, I was determined, I was sure I could make it work somehow. What I didn't realize is that EVEN IF I HAD, licensing is a very slow way to make a dime. Also, it is not a dime, it is a nickel at best.Again, yes, people do it and some people do make a decent (or better) living at it and I am still trying to and hoping to (I think??) but it is not like you get a fabric line and a book deal and you know make a yearly income that allows you to quit your day job. Nope, not even close.

Why am I compelled to write about this? What do I have to gain from it? Nothing, really. I guess I just want to unburden myself. I wish people were more open about this stuff. I know. it's hard.  I mean, we all want to look good, we all want to come across as successful and maybe if that magazine that we hope features us, or that potential licesing partner reads what we've written, maybe we won't look so hot....

well.... i mean, eff that.  I'm probably in a better position to write so openly about it because from the beginning I have always been forthcoming about my hard times. I kind of think of my honesty as part of my 'brand' , rather than conflicting with it. But even for me, it's still hard to write a post like this because ...I don't know, I guess I don't want to come across as bitter or discouraging or self pitying--- because it's not like that (though i certainly do have my moments!) 

It's more like I want to let you know we are all in this together. Do you ever get jealous reading about that person's new licensing gig, or that person won that award, or this person is featured on that prestigious whatever ??? ME TOO!  Even if we look like we have all that stuff going on ourselves, and even if, like me, we do give ourselves credit and appreciate how far we've come, we still suffer from jealousy, envy, rejection, struggling to pay the bills, wondering what the EFF we are doing with our lives.

At least, I hope it's not just me.

xo, nervously,

melissa

ps

i still have so much more i want to say about this! i will probably touch more on this soon.

***edited the next day to add this little poster. feel free to print it out as a reminder!

I hope my hard-won perspective helps a few folks take some of the pressure off!

xoxox

I will be doing some more of the beachy Cap-Cod inspired stuff for galleries, but for this week I am just playing and going with whatever comes out.

I am a little bit escared to say this out loud, but I am planning to list these on etsy when they are done.

yeah, birds and stone shapes. what can i say? that's what's coming through!

sometimes with melty flowers:

sometimes with brainwaves:

but sometimes still houses show up:

and lots of layers and scratchiness, of course:

and

every

now

and

then...

a unicorn:

I  am hoping to finish them up this weekend and list them next week. Will keep you posted!

xoxo

m

I just couldn't blog my way through the shop closing: it was too damn depressing. If we hang out together on facebook or twitter, then you know what I mean. I flailed, I was graceless, I was sad, I was mad, I was tired, I was self-pitying, I was cranky as hell.

We had great last holiday push ---- my customers are were wonderful and so sweet to me.  I will miss them. After New Years, we cleaned up and cleared out for the end of January. I should say Stuart cleared out and cleaned up. (Thank you, babe.) I tried, but I pretty much either became filled with crackling rage or dissolved into a pool of tears when I tried to do anything there.

Yeah, good times.

Aren't you glad I spared you?

Well, it's all over now  and I am starting to emerge from my self-imposed hibernation.

I am working part time at my old day job---- I'm the in-house artist at an embroidery and screenprinting shop. Pretty much the rest of the day I am the gym.

For realsies.

I knew I would kinda fall apart without something positive to focus on after the shop closed, and my stress and sadness was pretty high, so I thought it would be really good for me to focus on my health and fitness for a while while I'm recovering from the heartbreak.

So far, so good! I am going to start blogging about what I am up to---- I hope you will enjoy it and maybe join me in kicking some A!

For motivation and inspiration, I started a pinterest board called BadAss-piration. Like "Thinspiration", but not creepy. I post cute workout clothes, pics of women that motivate me to get my butt to the gym, quotes that I like, etc.

I also started a tumblr called yummyfitness, where I post my own illustrated or lettered pictures and quotes. I can't decide where I want to do my fitness bloggin', so for now I will do a little here and a little over there. Sometimes they will cross over, I'm sure. Bear with me while I figure it out!

This was my first tumblr post:

I really need to do an illustration for that!

In other news, yes, I am working on more fabric! And I may have a silly book idea percolating up in my brainbox.

And, yes,  I am still loving on the Hot British Guys. My current fave is Jason Isaacs--- or as I like to call him: Hot Lucius.

I had always disliked him -----since way back when he was in The Patriot! But this fall I caught him in Case Histories and he totally won me over.

I've done a fair bit of pinning in his honor.

Well, I just wanted to poke in and say hi and tell you that I miss you and I'm still alive and I am taking good care of myself. I will be around more often now.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support.

xoxox

melissa

I'm closing up my sweet little gift shop on Cape Cod after three years in business.

(Yes, we'll be open and fully stocked through the holiday season, so I'm hoping to see you around  if you are local!)

Let me tell you how this came about, ok?

Well, you know that it's been hard going for a while. I mean, I started working a part time job a year ago to be able to keep the shop open. And then you know about how it was a rough summer.

Within days of writing that summer post, I was offered an opportunity to take over a local gallery, a well established, succesful business in a prime location. My ship was sinking and I jumped on that life raft. We decided to close Yummy Goods and move into this bigger and better opportunity in January of 2012. September and the first half of October were spent talking, writing up points for a contract, looking at all the details and possibilities, negotiating. We took a little bit of a break around the wedding, naturally.

The day after the wedding, Stuart and I had our first big discussion as husband and wife: is this really the right move for me? If we took away the  money part --- and there did seem to be a great possibility of finally making some --- is it really what I want to do?The answer was no. I didn't want to run someone else's business. What I love about having a shop is that it's my shop, my vision. The point was to make money doing what I love, and if it's not what I love I'm not going to be able to stay excited about it and put my heart into it.

Sigh.

Cue the dollar signs in my eyes turning into cloud puffs.

It was definitely the right decision not to go forward with the gallery. I feel good about that.

But now what? We had already decided to close Yummy Goods. It felt ok when it was to move on to something concrete and seemingly better. But now? Just closing? That's a whole other thing.

But we have to, sadly. The location is just not right for us. Not enough traffic, too out-of-the-way. Can we change locations? Sure. Eventually. But if I am going to pour my heart into something again the way I have with my shop,  we need to be pragmatic about it. So, we do plan to have a shop again someday, somewhere. But we aren't going to jump right back into an across-the-sea voyage in a leaky boat, you know? I need to regroup.

But first, I need to grieve and get through the next couple of months of running the shop. Christmas is the only time we've done well, so we are going to finish up our time there fully stocked and ready. Oh you guys, it's so much fun when it's busy and people come in who get it. I will miss it so much.

I'm sure sometimes I will feel really down about it, sometimes I will feel ready to let it go so something better can take its place. I want to honor what it has been to me and to the community that has developed around it. I want to acknowledge and celebrate the parts if it that were succesful and learn from what wasn't. I want to make a scrapbook of it. I want to have a party there.

After almost a month of tumbling into the abyss (starting the day after my wedding! my poor husband!), I am finally beginning to resurface. I am listing some of my jewelry online, starting here on my own site for now and eventually I will incorporate etsy in to the mix.

I will be adding paintings and drawings.

I will make up and list some fabric bundles, maybe even some supply packs or destash, maybe something of a Yummy Goods Flea to share my secondhand finds.

I think I might list some gift bundles too, stuff from my shop for those of you who don't live around here.

Also, I'm going to try to do this:

Over the next couple of months, I will share my process about all of this. Thank you for being here with me. Your support is huge, seriously. I'm not just saying that to be nice. I get a lot of support, strength and understanding from you guys.

So don't go anywhere, ok?

xo,

melissa

(amazing photography by my pal Stacey Hedman, from a shoot we did in August)

I went to a Circus-Sideshow-themed ball and I went as 'The Painted Lady, Literally.'

More detail pics to come, once my dang camera battery is charged!

xo,

melissa

(photos by Michelle Law)

I'm sure she will go into some fun detail on her own blog about the official paperwork and character references and gold seals she had to deal with to get the one day commission to do our ceremony! (Plus the lovely, dainty pulsewarmer mitts that she made for me, but it was too hot for me to wear them!) Thanks, Beth!

Fun Fact #1: On the Intent To Wed form, Hobo Porch was listed as the facility name and location of the ceremony.

In the picture below, Stuart and I stare/gaze at each other as Beth makes some welcoming remarks to the other five people in attendance: My good friend Su, Stuart's good friend from high school, Bill, and Stuart's three kids, Meredith, Camille and Zach. (Did I do those commas right? That's a hard one.)

It was avery short ceremony. Probably no more than three minutes with the pauses and recitation and laughing! We wanted it to be really simple, so kept it short, sweet and to the point.

I love that we have this shot:

Stuart will be chagrinned that I am telling you this, but the very best part of the wedding was when he got all choked up while saying his vows after putting the ring on my finger. Oh my god, best moment ever. It was like we all held our breath while he gathered himself enough to say the words. My eyes were brimming and my heart was soaring. Love that guy.

And here is when I had to literally shove the ring over his knuckle!

That's Bill's hand there, offering some drips of water to help!

Fun Fact #2: I totally forgot to use my bouquet until well after the ceremony!

 Isn't it pretty?

Fuschia and orange roses, dark pink heather and a few stargazer lilies.

(Arrangement by my friend from bikram yoga, Michelle Tokzco who works at Vintage Flowers in Osterville.)

Fun Fact #3 Beth had to tell me "hold your horses" when I leaned in to kiss Stuart after the vows!

And then I finally got my kiss after she pronounced us husband and wife:

Fun Fact #4 Right after hugs went around, I turned to Stuart and said, "Holy shit! We're married!"

Mr. Stuart Schulman and Melissa Averinos-Schulman:

Oh, yeah, the boutonniere! Isn't it great?

Here I am before the ceremony attempting not to skewer my husband-to-bewhile pinning it to him:

Oh my god, he is so cute!

...................................................

And now for some miscellaneous pics!

Me and Stuart and the kids: Meredith, Camille, and Zach:

Me and my fiend, Beth:

(Beth, even you have to admit that this is a lovely photo of us!)

Me and my honey:

And Bill, who jumped in front of the camera saying "PHOTO OP!"

Me and my honey again, goofing:

Just a couple more posts about it to come, including the food and Su, decorations and dress! The blog is pretty much going to be our wedding album, so bear with me!

xoxox

melissa

(photos by Beth Dunn, Su Wasseluk and Meredith Schulman)

The kids and Stuart mixed up some Pillsbury cake mix.

Here is my (!!!) stepson Zach, being very helpful by cleaning the bowl.

Zach has always been my buddy. I have known him since he just turned FIVE! And now he is taller than me and a sophomore in high school!

Stuart and Meredith (aka Mem) try out the frosting, while Zeus looks on:

And when cake was done baking and cooling, I assembled and frosted it:

I love how it came out!

The day before, I made these little cake topper figurines of me and my honey:

Don't they look just like us?  I love them!!

And yeah, that is a bottle of Dom Perignon! It was given to us a couple of years ago and we saved it for a special occasion.

It was pretty special.

FYI: It's really fun to lounge around in a pretty dress and drink champagne.

 xo,

melissa

(pics from several different sources including me, Stuart, Beth Dunn, Su Wasseluk, and Meredith Schulman!)

And it warmed up to 75 degrees and was perfectly sunny and summery, which meant I got to go barefoot.

If there was a theme to this wedding, it was Low Stress. I just wanted it to be simple and heartfelt.

I could have gone really all out with the DIY stuff, but I intentionally kept paring it way down to the basics. If anything started to stress me out, it went out the window. Like, I wanted to make a music playlist but my external drive where I keep all my music was acting up. Eff that, I decided just to play my Old Timey Hobo Porch Music station all day and it was perfect. We made our own cake, but it was from a box. With frosting from a can. And you know what? It couldn't have been more perfect.

Including me and Stuart and his three kids? Only 8 people. A micro wedding.

It was silly and sweet and fun and cute and simple and heartfelt.

And I totally married a guy I am coo coo crazy about.

So, you know, there's that.

More soon!

xoxoxo,

Melissa Averinos-Schulman

Well, turns out it wasn't just for show.

We are getting hitched in two weeks!

Back in January, we decided we wanted this to be the year. Winter passed and spring was full of preparing the shop for the season. The year was half over and we were like, yeah, guess we oughtta pick a date? Or something? Is that what people do?

Eventually we settled on Sunday, October 9.

(Fantasy Shoe Shopping: Wouldn't these be just darling as my 'something blue'? Yeah, too bad they cost more than twice what I spent on my dress. link)

I've never been a dreaming-of-my-wedding-day kind of girl, clearly. I guess I never really thought about getting married at all. I mean, I am a long-term relationship kind of girl, and could see being with someone for the rest of my life, but I've never been one for big events and awkward family moments. I kind of hate that shit. 

We are having a tiny wedding. No, seriously, teeny tiny. When other people say that, they are like, 'Yeah, we had a small wedding. Only had 75 guests' and I'm like, 'Are you kidding me? Beacause that  sounds like a lot of frigging people to me!"

(These could be my 'something new', right? Link Except that they cost two and a half times what I spent on my dress. Which was twice what I have ever paid for a dress. Which is really treally cheap for a wedding dress. Actually, it's a bridesamid dress. That I got for half off.  )

So, when I say tiny, I mean ti-ny. We could easily have just gone away somewhere and gotten married by a JP in our jeans. (I mean, we would be in our jeans, the JP wouldn't be in our jeans. I'm pretty freaky, so I can see how you'd be confused, but no. The JP would wear whatever they wanted, that they owned.)

But, we felt it was important for the kids to be there with us, so we having a little ceremony so we can share it with Stuart's three kids: Meredith, Camille and Zach. Beyond the five of us, there are just five more people coming ---  including the photographer and the officiant!

(It's too bad I haven't already had these for years, because then they could be my 'something old.' But they cost two and a half times what I spent on my dress. But, they are handmade in Massachusetts!)

Where are we having this little shindig? Why, on the hobo porch, of course! (But if you hang out with me on the facebook, then this is all old news to you!)

(If you bought these in my size, I could borrow them for my 'something borrowed.' And then you could give them to me, because you're nice like that.I mean, it's not like they cost two and a half times what I spent on my dress or anything.)

More details soon!

xo,

melissa

Remember I made a little slideshow about my experience of it ? Well now you can watch the video and see what I was talking about!

Eeeee! I didn't die!!!

Thank you so much for your love and support. You all help me just by being here with me.

xoxxoo

melissa

ps, extra credit if you know where the title of this post came from (without looking it up!)